Marriage: Proper Etiquette

E_D_Guapo said:
Why would it bother you?
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Marriage isn't just a boy and girl getting together, but's also the joining of two families. I think it's a respectful acknowledgement/gesture of that. Also, that father likely went through decades of blood, sweat and tears to raise a good girl to be one that this boy wants to marry -- it's kind of a thank you and sign of respect of this changing of 'primary man taking care of her' role.

Hell, even in some transactions, if I spent time handcrafting and rebuilding a 1960s car, you'd like to shake the hand of the person you're selling your baby too and making sure it's going into good hands instead of a tow truck just taking it away for delivery
 
pdom said:
Marriage isn't just a boy and girl getting together, but's also the joining of two families. I think it's a respectful acknowledgement/gesture of that. Also, that father likely went through decades of blood, sweat and tears to raise a good girl to be one that this boy wants to marry -- it's kind of a thank you and sign of respect of this changing of 'primary man taking care of her' role.

Hell, even in some transactions, if I spent time handcrafting and rebuilding a 1960s car, you'd like to shake the hand of the person you're selling your baby too and making sure it's going into good hands instead of a tow truck just taking it away for delivery
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Fair enough. A lot people develop a pretty strong relationship with the future in-laws during the dating period though (and hopefully mutual respect is shown as well, so long as that respect is deserved). If you feel like you need the additional symbolic gesture/respect of the guy coming to you to show further respect/thanks I guess I understand. I definitely do not feel like that guy should literally have to ask permission before popping the question though. Come to the father and talk about the decision and assure that his intentions are good? Sure. Ask permission? Feh. But that's just me I guess.
 
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L.T. Fan said:
Process of getting acquainted, etc.
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in my mind, this isn't the first time I'm meeting the guy, so I'm already acquainted.

But, yes, there are circumstances where the significance of asking the father is diminished.
 
pdom said:
in my mind, this isn't the first time I'm meeting the guy, so I'm already acquainted.

But, yes, there are circumstances where the significance of asking the father is diminished.
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I don't know why I just thought of this but I'll tell the story anyway - when we first moved to SA we were driving around looking for a good Chinese place to go eat. We stopped in a parking lots and was sort of trying to figure out which way to go. I saw this couple (who happen to be Asian) so I jumped out of the car and asked them if they knew of a good Chinese restaurant to eat at. The guy looks at me and says, "NOOO! I'M NOT EVEN CHINEEE!" He seemed really anger and offended that I asked him where a Chinese restaurant was. haha it was just a coincidence that he was the dude that I asked.

Anyhoo, I was thinking about cultures and stuff since we were discussing this and thought of this story.

CSB
 
skidadl said:
I don't know why I just thought of this but I'll tell the story anyway - when we first moved to SA we were driving around looking for a good Chinese place to go eat. We stopped in a parking lots and was sort of trying to figure out which way to go. I saw this couple (who happen to be Asian) so I jumped out of the car and asked them if they knew of a good Chinese restaurant to eat at. The guy looks at me and says, "NOOO! I'M NOT EVEN CHINEEE!" He seemed really anger and offended that I asked him where a Chinese restaurant was. haha it was just a coincidence that he was the dude that I asked.

Anyhoo, I was thinking about cultures and stuff since we were discussing this and thought of this story.

CSB
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so you think my belief about this is because I'm Asian?
 
pdom said:
Marriage isn't just a boy and girl getting together, but's also the joining of two families. I think it's a respectful acknowledgement/gesture of that. Also, that father likely went through decades of blood, sweat and tears to raise a good girl to be one that this boy wants to marry -- it's kind of a thank you and sign of respect of this changing of 'primary man taking care of her' role.

Hell, even in some transactions, if I spent time handcrafting and rebuilding a 1960s car, you'd like to shake the hand of the person you're selling your baby too and making sure it's going into good hands instead of a tow truck just taking it away for delivery
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You're really into this idea that people own their children like cars, or, you know, slaves. I've been married 5 years and I've never spoken to my in laws, and my wife would hit the ceiling if I suggested that as a grown ass woman she needed her dad's permission to do anything, including me.

What if someone asks permission and you say no? Do you think he's going to be all, "Well, sorry, honey. I need your ring back because your dad said no. He also says you have to move back into your old bedroom and it's past your bedtime."

Who asks permission when you're going to do it anyway if they say no? Especially when you'd be inclined to flip a table and tell them to go fuck themselves in that scenario.
 
Clay_Allison said:
You're really into this idea that people own their children like cars, or, you know, slaves. I've been married 5 years and I've never spoken to my in laws, and my wife would hit the ceiling if I suggested that as a grown ass woman she needed her dad's permission to do anything, including me.

What if someone asks permission and you say no? Do you think he's going to be all, "Well, sorry, honey. I need your ring back because your dad said no. He also says you have to move back into your old bedroom and it's past your bedtime."

Who asks permission when you're going to do it anyway if they say no? Especially when you'd be inclined to flip a table and tell them to go fuck themselves in that scenario.
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I don't think I could say no. That would probably drive the daughter away and ruin the relationship. I think it would be more about expectations. Not just about growing up and becoming adults because a lot of people who are getting married are past the immature age and are ready for this step. I mean take the opportunity to be completely honest with each other, and it should work both ways.

When I talked to my FIL, his only concern was that we were still fairly young and his daughter really hadn't been in any other serious relationships. She didn't get to "see the world" without me. We had been together for about 3 years and were living together for about two years before we got married, we were both past the immaturity stage, had good jobs, and a nice household, a couple pets. We were ready and it's worked out great.

My brother got married a little younger than me, asked me to be his best man, our whole side of the family wanted to tell him to not get married. His girlfriend was young, selfish, immature and a hair dresser. I wouldn't do it, it was his mistake to make, I voiced my concerns one time and told him I would never bring it up again and told the rest of my family to keep their mouths shut. He had a beautiful wedding, and a horrible divorce about a year later. His wife turned 21 and wanted to go out, my brother had started a new career and was working a lot of hours. She ended up sleeping with his best friend. It got ugly, but had I told him not to marry her, it would have ruined our relationship, and what if it would have worked out? These were his lessons to learn and not mine to teach.
 
Clay_Allison said:
You're really into this idea that people own their children like cars, or, you know, slaves. I've been married 5 years and I've never spoken to my in laws, and my wife would hit the ceiling if I suggested that as a grown ass woman she needed her dad's permission to do anything, including me.

What if someone asks permission and you say no? Do you think he's going to be all, "Well, sorry, honey. I need your ring back because your dad said no. He also says you have to move back into your old bedroom and it's past your bedtime."

Who asks permission when you're going to do it anyway if they say no? Especially when you'd be inclined to flip a table and tell them to go fuck themselves in that scenario.
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:lol

you need a hug.
 
My fiancé's parents have both passed (I'm recently engaged) I probably wouldn't have asked permission though. But also I didn't propose. We came to a decision mutually after talking out the pros and cons.
 
townsend said:
My fiancé's parents have both passed (I'm recently engaged) I probably wouldn't have asked permission though. But also I didn't propose. We came to a decision mutually after talking out the pros and cons.
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So you and your future husband will get health benefits if you are married?
 
It's odd what becomes an active thread on this board.
 
townsend said:
My fiancé's parents have both passed (I'm recently engaged) I probably wouldn't have asked permission though. But also I didn't propose. We came to a decision mutually after talking out the pros and cons.
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Oh wow...this is just like The Notebook.
 
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