He was right there waiting for them, like one of those meet-cutes in a terrible romantic comedy. The Dallas Cowboys, the best bad team in sports, had a chance with the 16th pick in the NFL draft to take Johnny Manziel, the Texas A&M quarterback whose projected career path ranges from “multiple-season All-Pro” to “playing in Arena League in five years while dating Lindsay Lohan.” How did Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who has such a hunger for entertaining disasters, let Manziel fall all the way to Cleveland six picks later? How did the ‘Boys — who finished 8-8 the last three seasons in a row, and have one playoff win since 1997 — end up taking a guard from Notre Dame over Johnny Freaking Football?
Surely they had good reasons …
1. 8-8 is such a beautiful record. Symmetrical. Double infinity. You know the Chinese consider 88 a lucky number, right? Can’t take a chance of screwing that up.
2. Printing all those tickets, hiring a national anthem singer, getting somebody to clean up the parking lot after — the playoffs are just way too much trouble.
3. TONY ROMO IS A WINNER. Puff out your chest when you say it. If you get enough air in your lungs, it almost feels true.
4. A quarterback under 6 feet who scrambles all the time can’t play in the NFL. (Is handed Russell Wilson’s stats.) WHY DIDN’T SOMEBODY TELL THEM ABOUT THAT GUY?
5. The cheerleaders got a bad vibe from him. The cheerleaders have final say in personnel decisions.
6. Quarterbacks. They take all your money and they break your heart. They’re done with ‘em.
7. As you know, sports fans in Texas really don’t care about winning and losing.
8. Jerry’s son-in-law called in the pick before Jerry could get to the phone. Revenge for that thing with the glasses.
9. Whenever they think about using our first pick on a QB, an old gypsy comes out of the mist and says: Quincy Carter. Quincy Carrrrrterrrrr …
10. Drafting an offensive lineman gives Romo the crucial time he needs to decide exactly where to throw a backbreaking interception.
11. Really worried that Manziel would steal all the J embroidered hand towels.
12. Texas A&M 58, Arkansas 10, Sept. 29, 2012. Did we mention that Jerry went to Arkansas?
13. Look, there’s room for only one star in the Dallas Cowboys organization … and it ain’t the star painted at the 50-yard line.
