Marriage: Proper Etiquette

skidadl

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I'm just curious if you guys asked your FIL if you could marry his daughter.

Didja? Why?

Didja not? Why not?
 

Newt

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I did, seemed like the right thing to do. I was 21 at the time she was 20. Of all the people in my inlaw's household he's really the only one that doesn't piss me off everytime he opens his mouth.

I would expect someone to ask me if they wanted to marry my daughter. I think its part of the bonding process too, its about respect.

Just so we are on the same page, if that old man gets out of line today I'll slap the shit out of him.
 

E_D_Guapo

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I did not. I guess I'm not that traditional. It isn't that I didn't/don't respect my FIL because by all accounts he is a very respectable man, but I think I just felt as though it would have kind of been an empty gesture. By that I mean if he had said "No, I don't approve of you and I forbid you to marry my daughter" it would not have changed my decision or hers. I suppose I could have approached him and said "I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me. How do you feel about that?" but again, his response was not going to change our decision.

I don't even really remember how much thought was put into it. I don't think a whole lot. In retrospect the decision to forgo that step may have been a bit of a line in the sand saying "We are not you and we do not share all of your values and traditions", to sort of set an expectation going forward. But like I said, I'm not sure if we even thought about it that much.

At a certain point there really wasn't any real doubt that we were going to get married anyway. We had been seriously dating for a few years and had gotten an apartment together at that point. They surely knew it was coming and had every opportunity to voice their displeasure had they been opposed. For the record, they were not opposed and I have always had a good relationship with them. That continues to be the case to this day.

I have two daughters of my own now and I do not expect to be asked for my blessing if someone wants to marry them. If they do, cool. If not, I certainly understand why. That's not to say I will necessarily approve of who asks to marry them, obviously, and I'm sure I will try to steer them away from anyone who I think is bad news or a bad fit. Ultimately I don't care about the asking permission part, but that is just me.
 
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Cotton

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I did. Both her and my families are very traditional families. So, I guess I didn't have to give it much thought.
 

jsmith6919

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I did on my first marriage and asked the Uncle of my current(her parents are deceased).
 

L.T. Fan

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I did but it was a courtesy formality. We had already decided on the marriage.
 

dallen

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I didn't. I honestly didn't know my father in law very well at the time becuase he lives on the other side of the country. I've grown to really respect him and am thankful for his guidance especially since the loss of my own father. If I had known him better I might have. We were 18 and I was still terrified of him so I was fine with avoiding that. But I have to imagine I would have out of a sense of "that's just the sort of things you do when you get engaged".

I don't think I would want my daughters marrying anyone that even thought to ask. I don't own them. They can make their own decisions. I just have to hope I teach them to make wise choices. Not that I think bad of anyone that would does ask. People don't often consider implications of traditions, but I hope my daughters will find spouses that are thoughtful enough to consider those sorts of things. If that makes any sense at all.
 

skidadl

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I didn't. I honestly didn't know my father in law very well at the time becuase he lives on the other side of the country. I've grown to really respect him and am thankful for his guidance especially since the loss of my own father. If I had known him better I might have. We were 18 and I was still terrified of him so I was fine with avoiding that. But I have to imagine I would have out of a sense of "that's just the sort of things you do when you get engaged".

I don't think I would want my daughters marrying anyone that even thought to ask. I don't own them. They can make their own decisions. I just have to hope I teach them to make wise choices. Not that I think bad of anyone that would does ask. People don't often consider implications of traditions, but I hope my daughters will find spouses that are thoughtful enough to consider those sorts of things. If that makes any sense at all.
~cough~ feminist ~cough~ Kidding...

I was part of a conversation where someone said they didn't give two shits what dad thought and that dad didn't own her. Which is true but you are basically being part of a person's family. I'd think respect is in order more than permission. To sit down and look a man in the face before he relinquishes her totally is important, IMO.

Anyway, I was shocked that someone said what he did and then I started trying to remember back to what I did. In truth, I sat down and told him I got his 18 year old daughter pregnant. I wanted to be a man at least and tell him that. Months later we ran off and got married out of state. I was a young punk then and obviously would have done it better.
 

dallen

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I mostly agree with you. You are right on the money with it being a respect thing over a permission thing, but I think that same thing applies to the mothers too.
 

Angrymesscan

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I have no idea what the proper order of things is, do you ask him before or after you pop the question?
 

mcnuttz

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Nope. He was dead. :unsure

Did ask Mamma though.
Same, but didn't ask Mama. She was a bitch and wanted to sue me for making improvements to her place that my girlfriend was staying in.
 

Cotton

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Yeah, I don't see it as something that is necessary, necessarily. I just felt it was something I should do. Like I said, both our families are very traditional southern families and out of respect for him and her family I felt it was the right thing to do.
 
D

Deuce

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I didn't, but only cause even though he lived in the same house as the family they didn't really have a good relationship. He was fine with me, but unfortunately he treated me better than his own two sons.
 

L.T. Fan

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I did and it would bother me if a man dating my daughter didn't ask me for mine.
Sometimes it may even get a little more complex. As in my case with a daughter that was engaged three times before she got it right. You sometimes wish you didn't have to go that much into the process.
 

L.T. Fan

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what process? boy asks the father and father talks for about 15-30 minutes before saying 'yes' or 'no'.

Im not expecting to perform a college application or 3-month investigation.
Process of getting acquainted, etc.
 
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