Advice About Spanking Your Child(ren)

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Forbes #1
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Serious question. A bunch of daddies here with/had toddlers. I'm almost there.

I got spanked growing up. No switches, tree branches or belt buckles, but got spanked repeatedly till I cried for a while.

Fast forward to today, it seems even one whack at the tushie seems to demand outcry and Child Protection Services.

Advice on what ya'll did?
 

L.T. Fan

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Serious question. A bunch of daddies here with/had toddlers. I'm almost there.

I got spanked growing up. No switches, tree branches or belt buckles, but got spanked repeatedly till I cried for a while.

Fast forward to today, it seems even one whack at the tushie seems to demand outcry and Child Protection Services.

Advice on what ya'll did?
Didn't do a lot of spanking but I did engage in it when I thought it was appropriate. I find that making children be responsible and disciplined worked much better. Spankings lasted for only a short time. Creating a job and withholding things worked much better.

Also never giving something just to be nice to children. Always tie a responsibility to acquire it and retain it. Children need to be exposed to this approach because they will rarely learn responsibility and discipline on their own it will have to be taught and instilled.

Try to make them earn what they acquire and always only help them but never do it for them.
 

skidadl

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We spanked our older kids a lot. My oldest was very hard headed. If you gave him the the option he'd prefer to be spanked over anything because the kid isn't bothered by pain at all.

Over the years we've reduced the amount that we hand out but much of that has to with the nature of our 4 younger kids. They just don't need a ton of harsh punishment. Here are my parameters for spanking:

1. Never ever ever when I'm angry or out of anger. Spanking isn't a form revenge. It is strictly for the benefit of the kid.

2. Spanking for me is reserved for blatant acts of disobedience or rebellion. Common mistakes are off limits.

3. Make sure the kid is very very clear on why they are being spanked. Depending on the age I had a conversation with the kid and made sure they understood before and after

4. Tools of the trade - for younger kids we used like a paint stirring stick for those in diapers. They don't really feel the pain if you give them a swift swat on the diaper. It was more for affect than anything. The older they get the difference in the tools used. I don't think I spanner anyone over the age of 13-14 that I can remember. You don't want to get into a war of wills with a teenager and a stick. That gets ugly and isn't healthy or helpful for the kid.

5. Make are they are totally loved and totally forgiven for their mistakes. Growing up in an accepting and secure environment is very important for their development.

Of course these are just my opinions but we've seen good results with his stuff. Parent the best for your family.

Parent of 6 from 10-23.
 
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Genghis Khan

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My kid is 2. I think the best advice is to know your child. Different personalities respond to different forms of discipline.

We don't really spank ours. We keep it as an option, but mostly we don't believe in it.

Notably, there's research that suggests it often leads to negative consequences.



Risks of harm from spanking confirmed by analysis of 5 decades of research
Date:
April 25, 2016
Source:
University of Texas at Austin
Summary:
The more children are spanked, the more likely they are to defy their parents and to experience increased anti-social behavior, aggression, mental health problems and cognitive difficulties, according to a new meta-analysis of 50 years of research on spanking.
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Sad child (stock image).
Credit: © kmiragaya / Fotolia
The more children are spanked, the more likely they are to defy their parents and to experience increased anti-social behavior, aggression, mental health problems and cognitive difficulties, according to a new meta-analysis of 50 years of research on spanking by experts at the University of Texas at Austin and the University of Michigan.

The study, published in this month's Journal of Family Psychology, looks at five decades of research involving over 160,000 children. The researchers say it is the most complete analysis to date of the outcomes associated with spanking, and more specific to the effects of spanking alone than previous papers, which included other types of physical punishment in their analyses.

"Our analysis focuses on what most Americans would recognize as spanking and not on potentially abusive behaviors," says Elizabeth Gershoff, an associate professor of human development and family sciences at The University of Texas at Austin. "We found that spanking was associated with unintended detrimental outcomes and was not associated with more immediate or long-term compliance, which are parents' intended outcomes when they discipline their children."

Gershoff and co-author Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, an associate professor at the University of Michigan School of Social Work, found that spanking (defined as an open-handed hit on the behind or extremities) was significantly linked with 13 of the 17 outcomes they examined, all in the direction of detrimental outcomes.

"The upshot of the study is that spanking increases the likelihood of a wide variety of undesired outcomes for children. Spanking thus does the opposite of what parents usually want it to do," Grogan-Kaylor says.

Gershoff and Grogan-Kaylor tested for some long-term effects among adults who were spanked as children. The more they were spanked, the more likely they were to exhibit anti-social behavior and to experience mental health problems. They were also more likely to support physical punishment for their own children, which highlights one of the key ways that attitudes toward physical punishment are passed from generation to generation.

The researchers looked at a wide range of studies and noted that spanking was associated with negative outcomes consistently and across all types of studies, including those using the strongest methodologies such as longitudinal or experimental designs. As many as 80 percent of parents around the world spank their children, according to a 2014 UNICEF report. Gershoff notes that this persistence of spanking is in spite of the fact that there is no clear evidence of positive effects from spanking and ample evidence that it poses a risk of harm to children's behavior and development.

Both spanking and physical abuse were associated with the same detrimental child outcomes in the same direction and nearly the same strength.

"We as a society think of spanking and physical abuse as distinct behaviors," she says. "Yet our research shows that spanking is linked with the same negative child outcomes as abuse, just to a slightly lesser degree."

Gershoff also noted that the study results are consistent with a report released recently by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that called for "public engagement and education campaigns and legislative approaches to reduce corporal punishment," including spanking, as a means of reducing physical child abuse. "We hope that our study can help educate parents about the potential harms of spanking and prompt them to try positive and non-punitive forms of discipline."


Story Source:

The above post is reprinted from materials provided by University of Texas at Austin. Note: Materials may be edited for content and length.

Journal Reference:

Elizabeth T. Gershoff, Andrew Grogan-Kaylor. Spanking and Child Outcomes: Old Controversies and New Meta-Analyses.. Journal of Family Psychology, 2016; DOI: 10.1037/fam0000191
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University of Texas at Austin. "Risks of harm from spanking confirmed by analysis of 5 decades of research." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 25 April 2016. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/04/160425143106.htm>.
 

Genghis Khan

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For the record, studies suggest time outs aren't so great either...



‘Time-Outs’ Are Hurting Your Child
Daniel J. Siegel
Tina Payne Bryson
Sept. 23, 2014 SHARE

Courtesy Random House
No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., is clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, the founding co-director of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center, and executive director of the Mindsight institute.

Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is the co-author (with Siegel) of the best-selling The Whole-Brain Child.
In a brain scan, relational pain—that caused by isolation during punishment—can look the same as physical abuse. Is alone in the corner the best place for your child?

Time-out is the most popular discipline technique used by parents and the one most often recommended by pediatricians and child development experts. But is it good for kids? Is it effective? Not according to the implications of the latest research on relationships and the developing brain.


Studies in neuroplasticity—the brain’s adaptability—have proved that repeated experiences actually change the physical structure of the brain. Since discipline-related interactions between children and caregivers comprise a large amount of childhood experiences, it becomes vital that parents thoughtfully consider how they respond when kids misbehave. Discipline is about teaching – not about punishment – and finding ways to teach children appropriate behavior is essential for healthy development.

So what about time-outs? In most cases, the primary experience a time-out offers a child is isolation. Even when presented in a patient and loving manner, time-outs teach them that when they make a mistake, or when they are having a hard time, they will be forced to be by themselves—a lesson that is often experienced, particularly by young children, as rejection. Further, it communicates to kids, “I’m only interested in being with you and being there for you when you’ve got it all together.”

The problem is, children have a profound need for connection. Decades of research in attachment demonstrate that particularly in times of distress, we need to be near and be soothed by the people who care for us. But when children lose emotional control, parents often put them in their room or by themselves in the “naughty chair,” meaning that in this moment of emotional distress they have to suffer alone.


When children are overtaxed emotionally, they sometimes misbehave; their intense emotions and the demands of the situation trump their internal resources. The expression of a need or a big feeling therefore results in aggressive, disrespectful, or uncooperative behavior—which is simply proof that children haven’t built certain self-regulation skills yet. Misbehavior is often a cry for help calming down, and a bid for connection.

When the parental response is to isolate the child, an instinctual psychological need of the child goes unmet. In fact, brain imaging shows that the experience of relational pain—like that caused by rejection—looks very similar to the experience of physical pain in terms of brain activity.


On top of everything, time-outs are usually ineffective in accomplishing the goals of discipline: to change behavior and build skills. Parents may think that time-outs cause children to calm down and reflect on their behavior. But instead, time-outs frequently make children angrier and more dysregulated, leaving them even less able to control themselves or think about what they’ve done, and more focused on how mean their parents are to have punished them.


When children concentrate on their horrible luck to have such a mean, unfair mom or dad, they miss out on an opportunity to build insight, empathy, and problem-solving skills. Putting them in time-out deprives them of an opportunity to build skills that other types of discipline could focus on. Setting clear limits while emphasizing collaboration, conversation, and respect gives kids a chance to practice being active, empathic decision makers who are empowered to figure things out on their own.

Next time the need for discipline arises, parents might consider a “time-in”: forging a loving connection, such as sitting with the child and talking or comforting. Some time to calm down can be extremely valuable for children, teaching them how to pause and reflect on their behavior. Especially for younger children, such reflection is created in relationship, not in isolation. And all of this will make parenting a whole lot more effective and rewarding in the long run.

Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., co-author with Bryson of the new book No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, is clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, the founding co-director of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center, and executive director of the Mindsight institute. A graduate of Harvard Medical School, Dr. Siegel is the author of several books, including the New York Times bestseller, Brainstorm, together with the bestsellers Mindsight, Parenting from the Inside Out (with Mary Hartzell) and The Whole-Brain Child (with Bryson).

Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is the co-author (with Siegel) of the best-selling The Whole-Brain Child, which has been translated into eighteen languages. She is a pediatric and adolescent psychotherapist, the Director of Parenting for the Mindsight Institute, and the Child Development Specialist at Saint Mark’s School in Altadena, CA
 

Cotton

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I'm totally getting into this convo tomorrow. Great thread.
 

Kbrown

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I remember my cousins taking their kids to the bathroom like 2-3 times every time we went out to eat.

My little girl is two, and she usually will just get a swat on the hand to show she touched something dangerous. The other day she was tired and frustrated at a breakfast out with the in-laws and got hold of a fork and threw it across the table. Swat on the hand and took her outside to cool off.
 

Kbrown

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It has to lose its effect when it is every hour or so. I got maybe 3 whippings from my dad's hand growing up, and I distinctly remember the circumstances of each one.
 

Cotton

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It has to lose its effect when it is every hour or so. I got maybe 3 whippings from my dad's hand growing up, and I distinctly remember the circumstances of each one.
That's because your dad was smart enough to understand that he had to pick when to use physical discipline. You don't spank a kid every single time they do something wrong. Egregious is a good guide. Make it worth it.
 

skidadl

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I honestly ignore most studies and books when it comes to parenting. The experts are often so damn wrong and all the the variables are just too wide to collect enough data to capture all of the family dynamics.

Just don't abide your kids and have the most stable, loving marriage ever and tear your kids the same. Parents are so damn worried about how much their kids know they awesome and special all of the time. Definitely make sure that they have a strong sense about themselves but don't worship these little humans. My kid are pretty well behaved but they by no means thing they are better than anyone else.
 

Cowboysrock55

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Well hell, studies pretty much tell you all punishments are bad. But then not punishing a kid usually leads to a spoiled brat. This sounds impossible.
 

skidadl

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I've read a bunch of stuff over the years and came to the conclusion that I should use common sense. If you listen to everyone you will be one confused parent. Every expert sees it different. You know what is the best for your family. Like Geng said knowing each individual kid is important
 

townsend

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I think the toughest thing is there are plenty of parents who aren't emotionally prepared for spanking. A parent who has control of their emotions can probably use it to benefit their kid's development, but I think it has been used to help parents let of steam.
 

skidadl

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I think that most parents really want to do a good job.

Obviously there are a bunch of emotionally stunted people having babies. You just can't do much about it and have to let people live their lives. unfortunately the kids just have to deal with it.

Lots of different techniques work well and it is best to do whatever you feel confortable with as parents. If you can find a way to agree with your spouse on this you're way ahead of the game.
 

boozeman

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I honestly ignore most studies and books when it comes to parenting. The experts are often so damn wrong and all the the variables are just too wide to collect enough data to capture all of the family dynamics.

Just don't abide your kids and have the most stable, loving marriage ever and tear your kids the same. Parents are so damn worried about how much their kids know they awesome and special all of the time. Definitely make sure that they have a strong sense about themselves but don't worship these little humans. My kid are pretty well behaved but they by no means thing they are better than anyone else.
That sounded emotionally stable.

Turn in your parent card immediately.
 

L.T. Fan

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Well hell, studies pretty much tell you all punishments are bad. But then not punishing a kid usually leads to a spoiled brat. This sounds impossible.
Yep. Punishment can take other forms rather than spanking but a child must be disciplined and it doesn't come automatically. Discipline must be taught.
 

Clay_Allison

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Yep. Punishment can take other forms rather than spanking but a child must be disciplined and it doesn't come automatically. Discipline must be taught.
It's all about consistency. Whether it's spanking or anything else you lay out the consequences and stick to them and most kids will fall into line. I don't have any experience parenting, but I do have experience teaching. Discipline starts with yourself. If you're undisciplined and inconsistent and you come unglued over a behavior one day and let it slide because you don't want to deal with it the next day, the kids won't learn anything. If you set the rules and stick to the rules, you'll do all right.
 

L.T. Fan

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It's all about consistency. Whether it's spanking or anything else you lay out the consequences and stick to them and most kids will fall into line. I don't have any experience parenting, but I do have experience teaching. Discipline starts with yourself. If you're undisciplined and inconsistent and you come unglued over a behavior one day and let it slide because you don't want to deal with it the next day, the kids won't learn anything. If you set the rules and stick to the rules, you'll do all right.
I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying discipline comes automatically or it has to be taught?
 

Clay_Allison

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I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying discipline comes automatically or it has to be taught?
I'm saying that the adult has to be self-disciplined and consistent in order to teach discipline effectively. Of course it has to be taught.
 

L.T. Fan

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I'm saying that the adult has to be self-disciplined and consistent in order to teach discipline effectively. Of course it has to be taught.
I certainly agree with that. Unfortunately a lot of parents are not disciplined themselves.
 
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